Charge of the (politically) Light Brigade

Fantastic news. Mrs May has set up a working group 'The Alternative Arrangements Working Group' (but not so alternative as to be cross-party) to see if they can come up with a solution to the Irish Backstop débacle. Perhaps I'm being too cynical (can anything that includes Damian Green be successful?) but I predict its first meeting will go something like this:

- This backstop thing.
- Yes?
- We could propose a time-limited one?
- EU has said no.
- One we could cancel any time?
- Already rejected.
- What about technology?
- We can’t even implement a new train timetable in our country!
   [Awkward pause]
   [Another awkward pause]
- OK. let’s meet again tomorrow.

Just in case you've forgotten, the backstop is there because, to meet the terms of an important international treaty (The Belfast Agreement), there must be no border between Ireland and Northern Ireland. But, if the UK leaves the EU, there has to be a border between the EU and the UK (or, to be specific, Ireland and Northern Ireland). And that's the Conundrum.

Another conundrum is why no one gave any thought to that (did you, Posh David Cameron? Or Mrs May, who was Home Secretary in his Cabinet at the time) when they proposed this referendum. No one said: “how will that work with the land border with Ireland, Dave?" Oh dear, no. Probably that’s because the people behind the Brexit campaign barely knew that Ireland had left the UK around 100 years ago. So, the solution, for the moment, is for the UK to have a transition period and to remain closely tied to the EU, not taking back control of its borders, not taking back control of its money and not taking back control of its laws, just like the British people voted for…..or so we are told. Of course, the real Brexiteers don’t want any of that nonsense. “Leave means Leave” after all! And they most certainly don’t want this situation to be open-ended as surely it must be…until, or if, a solution can be found.

The DUP, which, you will remember, Mrs May bribed with a billion quid here and there, absolutely will not tolerate a border in the Irish Sea because that would make Northern Ireland less British and her majesty would somehow seem less important. So that’s another bright idea gone. You can see how complicated it’s becoming - and it's all inflicted on us by the Tories.

It has long been said that there is an electronic solution to the conundrum. Indeed, it was only yesterday that Home Secretary Sajid Javid said an alternative arrangement to prevent the return of physical checks on the Irish border "can be done" with existing technology. If this is the case, let's have some answers to a few questions

• Where is this technology?
• What does it cost?
• How long with it take to install?
• How much equipment will shippers/transport companies need?
• How will it be guaranteed?
• How many staff will monitor it and how much training will they and hauliers need?
• Who will pay for haulier training on either side of the border?
• How will it deal with roads that meander across the border 5 times in a 10-mile stretch?
• What about businesses that are partly in one country and partly in the other?
• How many crossing points are there?
• How many cars, lorries tractors cross each other points in a day?
• If it is such an obvious solution, why has it not already been installed?
• And, if it exists, why are there lorry queues at borders in Norway/Sweden and Switzerland/France. After all, Norway and Switzerland are seriously rich countries. If such a solution exists they can certainly afford it.
• Will this equipment be able to tell the difference between EU compliant goods and those that are not? Will it, for example, know a chlorinated chicken from a free-range one?

Still, with something like 6 weeks to go Mrs May has set up a working party, to see if the Tory Party can stop fighting with itself and find this elusive solution. If they skip tea breaks and don’t sleep maybe they’ll get there. As long as they can agree on something by the end of the week that should give them time to get an agreement with the opposition parties and then with the EU and get it all installed and up and running. If a week is a long time in politics, what is 6 weeks?