Every now and again, I dip into my draft folder of things I've written and forgotten about or things that I never got around to finishing or things that are too intemperate even by my standards to post or things for which the moment is past (who remembers Nick Clegg? No point ranting about him any more, is there?). I've just come across this incomplete piece from six years ago and thought I'd indulge in a little whimsy (and a touch of hyperbole, so don't take it too literally) to finish it off.
Think about this exemplar, if you will. Lazy people do not start wars. If more world leaders were lazy, we would not have wars. Throughout history, it's those damn energetic people who want to do 'stuff' and control things who have started wars and created havoc on many fronts. A few more examples for you by way of illustration.
A lazy Adolph Hitler, for instance, would still have had abhorrent and virulent anti-Semitic views, but he would have been too lazy to act on his hate. Osama Bin Laden would have still hated the West but he would have been too happy staring at the mountains and clouds from his cave to do anything about it. And if Christians of mediaeval times had been lazier, there would have never have been The Crusades. They would have just left a few flyers on Muslim doors with the message, “Hey, give Christianity a try…or not. Whatever”. A lazy David Cameron would have stayed in his shepherd's hut and not called a referendum. A lazy Nigel Farage would not have strayed far from his bar stool and we would never have had UKIP or the Brexit Party. A lazy Bozza would have been content with a career as an adulterous lecher.
Energetic people don’t invent things, lazy people do. Energetic people move heavy stuff by pushing and shoving like hell. It took a lazy person to invent the wheel and the lever: he (or she - no gender bias in this blog) was just too lazy to push and looked for the easier option. Energetic people were perfectly happy to travel many miles to deliver a message by hand. But Alexander Bell, by all accounts a naturally indolent person, invented the telephone to save himself time and energy.
I'm easy to please. I don’t need much, just food, sleep and the occasional cwtch (not a euphemism. Look it up). I don’t cause trouble, I don’t speed on the roads, I don’t make a lot of noise, I don’t complain. All that stuff requires energy. I try not to put too much effort into anything over and above what is absolutely necessary to get the job done. I guess that means that I’m lazy. If everyone was lazy, we would all do only what was required to survive. Plant some food, build a hut, eat, sleep, and procreate. There would be no reason to accumulate stuff, no need to keep up with the Joneses as the Joneses would be lazy too.
I'm easy to please. I don’t need much, just food, sleep and the occasional cwtch (not a euphemism. Look it up). I don’t cause trouble, I don’t speed on the roads, I don’t make a lot of noise, I don’t complain. All that stuff requires energy. I try not to put too much effort into anything over and above what is absolutely necessary to get the job done. I guess that means that I’m lazy. If everyone was lazy, we would all do only what was required to survive. Plant some food, build a hut, eat, sleep, and procreate. There would be no reason to accumulate stuff, no need to keep up with the Joneses as the Joneses would be lazy too.
Lazy, for lack of a better word, is good. The way I see it, laziness is, in fact, a Godly virtue - the unwritten 11th Commandment - Thou shalt be lazy. Here’s a few more reasons why:
1) Lazy People Are Good For the Environment
Think about it. They consume less. It makes sense: if you are too lazy to earn big money and too lazy to enjoy the dreadful chore that is shopping, then you just get by without a lot of things and this makes you an eco-warrior.
2) Lazy People Are Safer
Driving fast takes a lot of effort. It’s far easier to relax and cruise just below the speed limit.
3) Lazy People Cause Less Noise Pollution
If you’re lazy like me, you get all self-righteous and grumpy at weekends when all those damn un-lazy nutters are out with their garden machinery making a bloody great racket. Why can’t they just do what me and all the other Lazy Bs are doing – nothing much. Admittedly, the lawn might get out of control but A) who cares? and B) at least you can snuggle into bed at night knowing you weren’t responsible for any shift-workers going to work all sleep deprived due to edge trimmers and lawn mowers and then losing an arm in an industrial accident.
4) Lazy People Promote World Peace:
You ever hear of a perennially Lazy B joining the Army? Of course, you haven't.
Here's a case in point: John and Yoko doing their whole bed-in routine. If everyone was as lazy as those hipsters were, there would never be another war ever because running around doing press-ups and making your bed at 5am is too much hard work - man!
5) Lazy People Make the Best Music:
Fact: I have never known a decent musician who was NOT completely lazy and self-centered. By the way, all those uber-motivated types you see bouncing up and down in video clips are not decent musicians. They are weird little ego-maniacs who need to be noticed - or ignored.
6) Lazy People Are Naturally Enlightened Masters:
Nowadays many people pay good money to learn how to meditate or 'do' mindfulness. We Lazy Bs don't need to do this as we spend so much time just happily staring into space, our minds a complete void of any content whatsoever, that we generally cross the enlightenment threshold very early on in our lives.
7) Lazy People Don’t Expect Anything Much Of Others:
This is the greatest thing about the Lazy Bs. Unlike all the other demanding so-and-so’s who just never seem to get out of your face with their “urgent” this and their “important” that, Lazy Bs want but one thing from you: for you to call and order the take-away and turn the TV on.
So the next time you feel like denigrating someone for being lazy, think long and hard about whether it’s worth your effort. The Lazy B couldn't care a toss what you think so why waste your breath and energy?
And how's this for a Lazy Bs theme tune?
1) Lazy People Are Good For the Environment
Think about it. They consume less. It makes sense: if you are too lazy to earn big money and too lazy to enjoy the dreadful chore that is shopping, then you just get by without a lot of things and this makes you an eco-warrior.
2) Lazy People Are Safer
Driving fast takes a lot of effort. It’s far easier to relax and cruise just below the speed limit.
3) Lazy People Cause Less Noise Pollution
If you’re lazy like me, you get all self-righteous and grumpy at weekends when all those damn un-lazy nutters are out with their garden machinery making a bloody great racket. Why can’t they just do what me and all the other Lazy Bs are doing – nothing much. Admittedly, the lawn might get out of control but A) who cares? and B) at least you can snuggle into bed at night knowing you weren’t responsible for any shift-workers going to work all sleep deprived due to edge trimmers and lawn mowers and then losing an arm in an industrial accident.
4) Lazy People Promote World Peace:
You ever hear of a perennially Lazy B joining the Army? Of course, you haven't.
Here's a case in point: John and Yoko doing their whole bed-in routine. If everyone was as lazy as those hipsters were, there would never be another war ever because running around doing press-ups and making your bed at 5am is too much hard work - man!
5) Lazy People Make the Best Music:
Fact: I have never known a decent musician who was NOT completely lazy and self-centered. By the way, all those uber-motivated types you see bouncing up and down in video clips are not decent musicians. They are weird little ego-maniacs who need to be noticed - or ignored.
6) Lazy People Are Naturally Enlightened Masters:
Nowadays many people pay good money to learn how to meditate or 'do' mindfulness. We Lazy Bs don't need to do this as we spend so much time just happily staring into space, our minds a complete void of any content whatsoever, that we generally cross the enlightenment threshold very early on in our lives.
7) Lazy People Don’t Expect Anything Much Of Others:
This is the greatest thing about the Lazy Bs. Unlike all the other demanding so-and-so’s who just never seem to get out of your face with their “urgent” this and their “important” that, Lazy Bs want but one thing from you: for you to call and order the take-away and turn the TV on.
So the next time you feel like denigrating someone for being lazy, think long and hard about whether it’s worth your effort. The Lazy B couldn't care a toss what you think so why waste your breath and energy?
And how's this for a Lazy Bs theme tune?
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