Hi Yo Silver Away

A long time ago, when I was young and carefree (go on, admit it, you have difficulty imagining this but it's true), I'll confess to having many childhood 'heroes'. The earliest of these who I can remember is the Lone Ranger, closely followed by Davey Crockett, but the tail (only a select few will get this) of my raccoon skin hat is for another day.

Tonto (Jay Silverheels) looks like he'd prefer to be a million miles away from The Lone Ranger (Clayton Moore).

For those unfortunate not to remember the origins of the star of this very early TV series, The Lone Ranger was the only survivor of an ambush by some desperadoes of a detachment of Texas Rangers. Tonto stumbles across the injured Ranger and nurses him back to health, using herbs, native potions and a little Red Indian magic. When he's recovered, our eponymous 'hero' realises that, with everyone thinking he is dead, he can now go after any criminals he wants. To hide his identity, and probably because he likes dressing up, he makes a mask from the vest of his brother, who was killed in the same raid. And as he was the only one left, he came up with the brilliant idea of calling himself The Lone Ranger. Good choice: much better than The Solo Ranger or The Only One Left Standing Ranger or Billy-No-Mates Ranger.

I used to watch the programmes over and over again, even though most episodes followed exactly the same pattern and contained few surprises. More often than not, The Lone Ranger and Tonto stumble upon a wrongdoing being committed, ...

(They were the luckiest vigilantes imaginable. Most of the episodes begin with them watering their horses or doing some other mundane cowboy task like washing their smalls or shampooing their hair (what's the secret of your shiny locks, Tonto? Buffalo urine, Kemo Sabe, neat buffalo urine. Here, try some.) when they hear gunshots nearby. They take off to investigate, and...)

... there is often a runaway stagecoach that the duo must chase down and stop, ...

(After watching as many Lone Ranger episodes as I have, you couldn’t get me onto a stagecoach even if you promised me I'd be sitting next to Maddhur Jaffrey during the trip. I don’t recall a single episode wherein a stagecoach appeared that didn't end up with it either robbed or as a runaway [because the driver had been fatally shot] It appears to have been the most dangerous conveyance man has ever invented.)

... then, during the course of trying to track down the miscreants, somebody believes that The Lone Ranger himself is evil because of his mask, but he generally wins him or her over with a manly smile, a macho chuckle and the display of one of his silver bullets...(no sniggering, this is a childrens' programme I'm writing about)

(How come all of these dummies knew so much about the silver bullets, but never had the faintest notion about The Lone Ranger’s identity before seeing his ammunition? If they had heard about silver bullets, wouldn’t they have heard about a guy wearing a mask, riding a great white stallion, and traveling with an Indian companion? Wouldn't that have rung a bell? Nope. They had to be shown a silver bullet before they put two and two together. The west was full of dopes.)

... and then the long suffering and infinitely patient Tonto usually finds more trouble than he bargained for when The Lone Ranger asks him to ride into town to scout around...

(Didn’t Tonto ever get sick of hearing The Lone Ranger asking him to ride into town? After the first two or three times he got ambushed and captured, wouldn’t he have said, "Ugh, Kemo Sabe. You sure me riding into town such a good idea? Tonto like you and all that, but me tired getting head punched in. Why not YOU ride into town? Tonto stay here and do what you usually do while Tonto in town getting head punched in. By the way, just what is it you do while me gone? Silver no speak, but I bet him tell interesting tale.")

... and as a finale, there's always either a fistfight or a gunfight - or both - with The Lone Ranger and Tonto prevailing in the end. Smug with victory, they ride out of town while someone asks, "Who was that masked man?"; the reply comes, "You stupid dumbnuts! That was The Lone Ranger!". Then we get a "Hi-yo Silver, away!" as they gallop off into the sunset with the William Tell Overture playing in the background. Wonderful stuff. 

 

A couple of Lone Ranger jokes to finish with:

1. Tonto goes into an employment agency looking for a new job. "After thirty years faithful service, why did the Lone Ranger sack you?", he was asked. "Because he found out what Kemo Sabe really means", he replied.

2. An intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.