It's birthday time again

It's that time of year when my birthday looms large and Mrs P starts asking me what I want for a present. Usually my answer is "I don't want anything" but not this year. This year is different. I want a rock tumbler but not just any rock tumbler. I want a National Geographic Variable Speed Professional Rock Tumbler! It is designed to stimulate my curiosity, occupy my stagnant mind, fill the empty hours of lockdown and open my eyes to a world of beauty I had never known was there. Having finished painting the house and planted my way through a lifetime of vegetables, this new hobby - "a fascinating hobby for all the family" - is designed to keep me out of mischief and satiate my curiosity.

As is my custom, Mr Google and I have researched rock tumbling intensively, if not obsessively, and I've learnt a few things. If you are thinking of taking up rock tumbling as a way of coping with the trials and tribulations of modern living, there are a couple of things you need to be aware of before you embark on this enthralling hobby. First, it is by no means a fast-track to instant gratification. As soon as I looked closely at the details on the box, I got a warning of what might lie ahead. There are two dials on the piece of kit, one to adjust the speed and the other to adjust the time of the tumbling cycle. The latter dial deals only in days! Further investigation suggests that a normal cycle would be about five days tumbling with Grit #1, followed by 8 days with Grit #2 .... etc, so by the time all the various grades of grinding grit have been used, you are talking about weeks if not months of constant tumbling. That may not be a problem for everyone, but if, like me, you are advancing in years, you need to ask yourself whether you or the rocks will be ground down the first.

The second potential problem results from the grinding process itself. The rocks, along with the grit and the water, sit in a rubber sealed container which is constantly turning. And this is not going to be silent. It's going to make a considerable amount of noise and if I put it on my desk, as I had intended, it's going to vibrate. Ivy the Dog will hear the din and abandon our garden. Neighbours from up the street will gather - observing appropriate social distancing measures, we are, after all, a law abiding neighbourhood - and discuss the possible source of the noise coming from the bottom end of our lane. Birds will desert our garden, and cows in the fields further down the hill will lie down in the field in the middle of the day. The natural order of things will be disrupted and for what?

On second thoughts, Mrs P, cancel the Rock Tumbler. Get me a box of Allsorts instead. That would be safer.